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Fic + Crack: Whose Line is It Ichiway?

Not exactly a fic. But what do I call this, otherwise?

Title: Whose Line is it Ichiway? (Episode 1)
Author: arianex
Characters: Ichigo, Ishida, Karin, Shunsui and Nanao. (This ep only.)
Rating: General to PG13-ish.
Warnings: May include some violence, and spoilers if you don't know the characters and how they're like.
Disclaimer: If I owned Bleach...I'd be busy lchasing the plot bunnies instead of doing THIS. xP
Summary: It's the first installment of a series (I hope!). Based on the hit Drew Carey TV show  "Whose Line is It Anyway?", Ichigo's now the host! (Sorry, Kon + Hitsugaya fangirls. Most whom I asked wanted them to be hosts.) Every ep, 4 characters will be featured and they do play the same games on the show, but since it's Seretei and Karakura we're talking about...

In short, Whose Line Is It Anyway, Bleach-style. ^^

Whose Line is it Ichiway?


Episode One


Ichigo: Welcome everyone to “Whose Line is it Ichiway?”! I’m your host, Kurosaki Ichigo.

Ichigo walks down the stairs and sits at his desk while the audience claps.

Ichigo: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Yes, welcome to “Whose Line is it Ichiway?”. Of course, the show’s named after me and the performers are graded with points, but hey – the points don’t matter, do they? Oh no they don’t. Whoever wins with these nonexistent points gets to do something fun at the end of the show.

The audience cheers.

Ichigo: –clears throat- Now tonight, our performers are Mr Fashion Savvy Quincy Ishida Uryuu, Don’t Mess With Me Kurosaki Karin, Drunkard Kyouraku Shunsui and last but not least, Prim-and-Proper Ise Nanao.

Ishida: ...I don’t want to have anything to do with you, stupid shinigami.

Ichigo: Oooh…then why not stay home sewing clothes, Ishida?

Ishida: Tch.

Shunsui: Nanao-chan my dearest, having fun~?

Nanao: ... (If we weren’t on set, I’d boink him with my book now.)

Karin: ICHI-NII! Why must SHE (points to Nanao) tote that large book around? She looks nerdy!

Nanao: None of your business, kid.

Ichigo: Cool it, will you?

Karin: Grown-ups…


Game 1: Questions Only


Ichigo: Okay, folks. This first game is called Questions Only. It’s for everyone.

Karin and Shunsui stand in the centre, wheras Ishida and Nanao stand at the side.

Ichigo: You guys are required to act out a scene in which the conversation, as the title suggests, will be questions-only. Nothing else, mind you. Make one mistake and you’ll drink Shunsui’s sake.

Shunsui: Hell no! The sake’s MINE!

Karin: Ichigo, minors are forbidden to drink alcohol…

Ichigo: Just kidding. Well, where should the convo take place?

The audience shouts out suggestions.

Nanao: What’s a playground?

Ichigo: Playground you say? Okay, a playground. (turns to Nanao) It’s a less-violent training area in which earth kids have fun in.


Shunsui: What are you doing here with that ball, kid?

Karin: Must I tell you what I do, drunkard?

Shunsui: Think I want to know?

Karin: Then why are you asking?

Shunsui: Does your face always look that silly?

Karin: Do you know who you’re talking to??!!?

Shunsui: Whew. I smell something. Is it you?

Karin: I’ve had it!

Karin attempts to kick Shunsui, but Ichigo presses the buzzer and Nanao takes her place.

Shunsui: Where did the rat go?

Nanao: Why are you asking me?

Shunsui: Anyway, want to chat and drink some sake?

Nanao: What sake are you talking about?

Shunsui: The one I’m holding now – Argh!

Shunsui is buzzed off and Ishida takes his place

Nanao: What’s up boy?

Ishida: Boy? What are you then, an old hag?

Nanao: Shut up.

Buzzer sounds. Karin takes Nanao’s place.

Ishida: Want to play on the swings?

Karin: Do you think I’m that childish?

Ishida: Well, you’re never too young to play on the swing set, are you?

Karin: Can’t you go play them yourself?

Ishida: Hey, why won’t you accompany me?

Karin: Can’t you see that I’m trying to work on my football skills?

Ishida: What does that have to do with my wanting to play on the swings?

Karin: Why don’t you just go?

Ishida: Aren’t you going to come?

Karin: Would you like me to break your head off?

Ishida: Can’t you just play on the swings with me, dammit?

Karin: Are you stupid or just plain deaf, Quincy?

Ishida: I know kids like you are…

Karin: NANI??!!?!?!?!

Ichigo rings the buzzer a couple of times as Karin attempts to lash out at Ishida. The two are being held back by security.


Game 2: Whose Line is It Anyway?


Ichigo: Settle down now, guys.

Ishida just sighs and adjusts his glasses. Karin quietly calms down and sits.

Ichigo: Okay. Now this next game is for Nanao and Shunsui. Take these.

Ichigo passes 2 folded-up pieces of paper to Nanao and Shunsui, who stuff them in their robes.

Ichigo: Now you’ll be given a scene, audience’s choice. During the scene, Nanao and Shunsui will use these lines randomly in the act. Well, what shall the scene be?

Shouts heard from the audience.

Ichigo: Nice one, though I think this might be common. Shunsui is a booze hound (chuckle) and Nanao is his friend who’s trying to get him off the bottle. Take it away, you two. Not too long though.

Nanao: This game is rigged….*sigh*


Shunsui sits down and starts drinking from his sake bottle. Nanao walks up to him.

Nanao: Tsk, tsk. Drinking’s terrible, ya know?

Shunsui: Shut up, cutie. Don’t need you to tell me that.

Nanao: But really, it’s terrible. Haven’t you heard what it says on all the bottles? It says…

Nanao fishes out a piece of paper.

Nanao: “Only take if you just saw Kuchiki Rukia’s artwork on display at Seiretei.”


Nanao: Well, it’s just as it is…

Shunsui: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

Nanao: But it’s on there, look?

Shunsui looks at the bottle.

Shunsui: Oh dear, you’re right!

Nanao: See?
Shunsui: Whatever. I don't care. Run off now, kid, you're being a pain. I remember the last person who came by to warn me about the dangers of drinking. He said...
Saitou digs into his robes and pulls out a paper.

Shunsui: “You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout I’m telling you why.”

Nanao: Santa Claus is coming to~

Shunsui: Knock it off! I hate that song. It’s too human…not shinigami-like enough. Santa Claus brings cold, too, and I’ve had enough of it.

Nanao: From Hitsugaya? He’s been upset lately, you can’t blame him for making it snow so much.

Shunsui: Yeah. Now will you go?

Nanao: Ano ne…You’re so glum, sir.

Shunsui: Can you just leave me be????

Nanao: Oh no! I’ve seen a case in which a member of Hitsugaya’s division actually drank and drank until he wound up wasted. His last words before sleeping out in the cold outside Hitsugaya’s office were…

Nanao pulls out a paper.

Nanao: “Make me a panty that fits my head.”

Shunsui: Some friend there you got. Still, I don’t care. My problems and stress go away with this bottle.

Nanao: That’s why you’ve been drinking, sir?

Shunsui: That, and the fact that I had a falling out with Ukitake.

Nanao: What happened?

Shunsui: He’s mad at the prank I pulled on Yama-jii. I said something in my defence, and that got him boiling.

Nanao: Just what did you say?

Shunsui fishes out a white piece of paper.

Shunsui: “Please, kindly scratch my rear.”


Game 3: Dating Game


Ichigo: I’ll admit, though Shunsui really is a booze hound and that scene is commonplace for you, Nanao, at least you got a few laughs out from us.

Nanao: Well, Taichou can get really bad hangovers sometimes.

Shunsui: My Lovely Nanao-chan! You look soooooooo cute when you’re mean-

Nanao hits him on the head with her book.

Ichigo: Okay, enough now. Our next game is called “Dating Game”. It’s for all of you. Ishida will be the lucky one, and he’ll have to guess who Karin, Shunsui and Nanao are. Take it away, guys.


Ishida: Bachelor number one, I love to have a good time. Where would you take me on our first date, and what would you do?

Karin: *slight look of pride* I’d look for someplace where everyone can gaze at my beauty. I’d hold your hand beautifully, and sing in a manner so beautiful that all the ugly guys around will just scream, because they’re dead jealous of my beauty.

Ishida: Tsch. Bachelor number two, what is your biggest dream?

Shunsui: My dream? I’m too preoccupied with keeping up the reputation of my family by not breaking the rules. Where will I find the time to dream?

Ishida: O…kay. Bachelor number 3, what ticks you off the most?

Nanao: My stupid dad. Sucky drawings. The fact that everyone underestimates me just because I’m a substitute shinigami!

Shunsui: Did I mention that I’m faced with the stress caused by my stupid red-haired lieutenant, and the responsibility of keeping my sister away from that orange haired freak…

Karin: The word “ugly” isn’t in my vocabulary.

Nanao: What’s with this Chappy the bunny business? Why does SHE HAVE TO go nuts over a white bunny and model each of her explanatory sucky drawings after it?

Ichigo rings the buzzer.

Ichigo: Time’s up, Ishida. Now, any idea of who’s who?

Ishida: Tsk. Just who is that first bachelor? Always talking about beautiful…is he some pretty-boy?

Ichigo: You could say that. But you’ve met him before, when he came down to earth…

Ishida: WHA?

Ichigo: Forget it. Karin’s acting as Yumichika. Next…

Ishida: I think the second bachelor is Rukia’s brother?

Ichigo: Oh, yeah. Byakuya-san.

Ishida: And the last one there is a hot-headed jerk.

Ichigo: *popping vein* Excuse me?

Nanao: Actually…I was playing Ichigo, Ishida-san.

Ishida: Whoops!


Game 4: Hoedown

Ichigo: Watch it, Ishida. Or you’ll get it someday.

Ishida: Heh, payback for the insult earlier on the show, Kurosaki…

Ichigo: Whatever. Alright then! Todays winner is Nanao for her good portrayal of me…

Karin: You flatterer, Ichi-nii!

Ichigo: Cut the crap. I’m coming down now.

Nanao takes Ichigo’s place at the desk while Ichigo moves to the stage.

Ichigo: This is our debut show, so apologies for the lack of fun games. Well, now we shall have a hoedown! Yuzu-chan will play the piano and all four of us will have to sing to the music, but according to a certain subject. Let’s hear some suggestions for topics, shall we?

The audience spits out their views.

Nanao: I like the zanpakutou suggestion.

Ichigo: Take it away, Yuzu, the Zanpakutou Hoedown!


Ishida: Zanpakutous seem like big odd things. They come in shapes and sizes, and with weird callings. Ichigo’s one is the biggest of the lot, but I bet he only uses it for the mincemeat in the pot.

Ichigo gives a death glare.

Shunsui: I love my zanpakutou, it makes me look sexy. When I call its name, all the girls go crazy. Forget what the Quincy said about their oddities, I think he needs a brainwash with that big-ass bow of his.

Ishida: (O RLY? look)

Ichigo: I know my zanpakutou brings boys back to the yard. It’s because it’s huge, that it sets me apart. Size does matter, and I’ll say so. Does Nanao have one, I wouldn’t even know.


Karin: Man I hate this hoedown, it sounds a lot like crap. I didn't know that I could even rap. I don't know what zanpakutous are, and that's the end of this. I think I’ll knock Ichigo out with a single fist.


Ichigo: Mm, that was rather uncalled for. Still, we’ve come to the end! Join us next time on “Whose Line is it Ichiway?”!

Rukia: ICHIGO!!!!

Rukia bursts in the studio

Ichigo: What now?

Rukia: Bakamono! You let them ridicule my drawing!

Nanao and Shunsui, sensing something will happen, run offstage.

Ichigo : W-wait, I can explain-

Rukia: Forget it, orange freak! (kicks Ichigo in the head)

Ishida runs offstage whereas Karin hides behind stage, snickering and watching Rukia beat up her brother.

Note: This was tough to write. If you ever have a particular group of characters you'd like to see together on one ep (say, Rukia, Hitsugaya, MAtsumoto, Aizen as the performers on one ep), or if you have some ideas for a next episode, by all means, comment! Remember, games have to stick to the show's format, but since I can't remember every game...well, I'll need memory refreshers. xD Hoedown suggestions, scene suggestions, whatever. You'll be credited at the end of every story. ^^

This ep's character grouping was suggested by the wonderful davyn. Arigatou!

It takes 5 hours to write this one fic (it's unbeta-ed) so I think I might need a beta soon *cough*...

Interested? Get in touch with me. ^^ You'll need to keep in contact via MSN/AOL, or just email would do too. ^^


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 2nd, 2006 11:06 am (UTC)
Shunsui: “Please, kindly scratch my rear.”

Ishida: (O RLY? look)

zomg that was awesome. write more so I can LOL IRL! XD
Apr. 2nd, 2006 11:16 am (UTC)
IRL? (Sorry, I'm not so familiar with acronyms like those.)

Oh, glad you liked it! ^^ Thank you.
Apr. 2nd, 2006 11:21 am (UTC)
IRL = in real life. I swear, I did. My mom looked at me funny. XD
Apr. 2nd, 2006 12:48 pm (UTC)
certainly something refreshing to read!!! more!!! =D
Apr. 2nd, 2006 03:25 pm (UTC)
That was really funny. I would like to see Gin, Rukia, Zaraki, and Mayuri on one ep. That would be hilarious. X3 *hands cookies*
Apr. 2nd, 2006 05:15 pm (UTC)
I second Nice_Vibe. Gin, Rukia, Zaraki, and Mayuri O.~

Excellent!! ^.^
Apr. 2nd, 2006 11:52 pm (UTC)
That got some giggles out of me.

Ichigo's Zanpakutou DOES bring the boys to the yard...ME. >D!!
Apr. 3rd, 2006 04:38 am (UTC)
I loved it!! I love watching Whose Line... please write more!!
Apr. 5th, 2006 07:43 am (UTC)
Crack? *pokes head up* Did someone say crack? And "Whose Line..."? Together? *tackleglomp of LUFF*

How did I miss this?!

Well, I see it now and I snicker, I giggle, and I laugh. You just mixed two of my most favorite things in the whole wide world and I think I love you.

Um... don't they also have Props and Scenes From a Hat and Three-Headed Broadway Star and Mission Impossible and Sound Effects and... *ponders* No, I haven't watched this show a million times... XD

Er... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_games_from_Whose_Line_Is_It_Anyway%3F

Ta-da! A whole list of all the games! Thank you, Wikipedia.

And if you need any beta work, I'd be more than happy to do it. ^_^ My e-mail is moocowmoo05@yahoo.com, my AIM is Bambi178, and my MSN is also moocowmoo05@yahoo.com. Feel free to drop me a line anytime. ^___^
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )

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